He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
