im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
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