"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize