Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
