wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
