ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize