P.S. I can't hear my feet
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
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