I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
