And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
he thought i was a dude.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
