i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
