If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Your penis caused this!
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
