She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
