it's too hot outside to masturbate.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
