My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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