my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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