I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Randomize
