I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
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