my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
