dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
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