I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
