i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
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