Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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