Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
