mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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