just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
