i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
