the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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