Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
