I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize