how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
