are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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