My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
