i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
When did we convert life to cartoon?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
