I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
