What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
