i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
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