Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
