i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
