Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
