just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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