I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I want to fling myself into the sun
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize