I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
