Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
