I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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