He disabled his match.com account in front of me
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
