rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
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I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
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OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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