"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
