I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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