I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
How many fucks given?
0.12846
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