I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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