Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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