Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
