Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
