I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
