my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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