u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
