This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Randomize
