i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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