oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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