I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Still dying that you shit outside
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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