Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
