I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
