I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
