Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Still dying that you shit outside
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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