i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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